Breaking the Silence: Emotional and Domestic Abuse
Q&A WITH A REGISTERED SOCIAL WORKER
Did you know that every 6 days a woman in Canada is killed by her partner?
More shocking is that the rate of domestic violence in Canada is likely much higher than we know as 70% of spousal violence is not reported to the police. Additionally, the social isolation, health concerns and unpredictability of the pandemic has been devastating for those women in abusive relationships.*Canadian Women’s Foundation
This month we’re talking to Registered Social Worker, Kara Peet about emotional and domestic abuse to get her insight into how abuse can manifest itself in relationships.
Q:
What is emotional abuse and why is hard for people to recognize that they are being emotionally abused?
Often people struggle to see their romantic relationship as “abusive” if they are not experiencing physical forms of violence, but there are many forms of emotional abuse that can be just as harmful. These forms of abuse can include verbal abuse (name calling, shaming, humiliation); financial abuse (preventing access from your, or shared assets, preventing you from getting a job); and / or the use of threats, intimidation and coercion.
Those who experience emotional abuse also often experience gaslighting and minimization, both from their abuser and sometimes, others in their life. Those being gas-lit may be told that they are “too emotional” or their reactions are unwarranted, or that the abuse that they experienced is their fault. Another common factor in abusive relationships is that abusive partners may also often seek to isolate them by controlling where they go or who they speak to. Isolation is particularly insidious as it removes sources of support - those people who might call out the abuse and gaslighting for what it is.
It’s also important to mention that the internet has created new avenues for abuse including surveillance (obsessive control over what social media you use, or who you are talking to); stalking (including installation of tracking apps and software); online harassment and the threat of sharing intimate pictures or video.
“6000 + women and children sleep in shelters on any given night because it is not safe at home.”
Q:
What are some of the impacts of emotional abuse?
The impacts of emotional abuse can be wide-ranging. People may feel chronic shame, or a low sense of self-worth engendered by the constant exposure to criticism and toxic shame. They often feel trapped in their relationship. A part of them wishes to leave, but they feel unable both for material reasons, and because they care for the abuser.
They may feel lonely -- both disconnected from friends and family, and lacking sufficient care within their relationship. They may also feel very fearful. Even if the abuse has never been violent, some abused people may be explicitly, or covertly threatened with more abuse or harm if they were to leave.
Q:
How does emotional abuse appear in a relationship and what are some warning signs to look out for?
Abusive relationships have a cyclical pattern: after an eruption in the relationship where the abuse worsens, often in the immediate aftermath an abuser will contract to do better. They will tell the abused person that they did not mean to hurt them, that they will do better, and that they deeply love them. This is called the honeymoon period. Some time after the honeymoon period, the abusive behaviour will begin to slowly return. Perhaps the critical comments or threats will re-appear. Again, you begin to feel as though you are walking on eggshells, fearing that at any moment another eruption could happen. And this cycle happens many times over often, with each eruption’s intensity increasing.
Q:
Why is it so hard to leave an abusive relationship?
The simple answer is that often the abused person can have strong, loving and caring feelings towards the abusive party. Abusers may also use manipulative tactics like love-bombing whereby an abuser will use tactics to increase a sense of intimacy quickly. Some love-bombing tactics are designed to quickly build love and trust like telling you that they love you on the second date, that you’ve saved them in some way, or making grand-romantic gestures at the outset of the relationship.
One of the most important things to realize is that those who are emotionally abused care deeply for their abuser. The seed for an abusive relationship is a romantic relationship. And beyond that, abusers may utilize manipulative tactics to keep the abused person in the relationship like saying that they would self-harm if the abused person left.
This can mean that those in abusive relationships can find it very challenging to leave the relationship. They may deeply feel that they are unhappy in their relationship, but unable to leave. Perhaps they lack the financial resources to move out on their own. Or perhaps they have children with the abuser, and the abuser has made threats to seek sole custody if they depart. We know, statistically, that it can take up to seven efforts to leave an abusive relationship.
Q:
How can someone who experiences abuse recover from their trauma?
It’s critical to find spaces that will validate the reality of your experiences. Connecting with safe family and friends who provide support can be critical. For many people connecting with professionals like a psychotherapist can be instrumental in understanding the abuse that they are experiencing, and help to understand what changes could help them increase safety and wellbeing in their lives.
It’s also critically important to come to understand your own relationship values, or boundaries. Everyone is entitled to boundaries in a relationship. It’s important to take stock of what your boundaries are, to get support in helping to set boundaries, and to understand how you will respond when and if they are crossed, or ignored.
Q:
The pandemic greatly contributed to an increase in intimate partner violence and abuse. What should family or friends be aware of?
COVID has meant that victims of abuse have been subjected to sheltering indoors with an abusive party. It has exacerbated social isolation for those who are abused -- the reprieve of being at work, or the gym is no longer an available break in the down. Friends and family should think about remaining in contact for check-ins. And they should be mindful about who might be able to hear that conversation. You may consider asking a loved one if they can talk to you when out for a walk, or if you can meet together outside one-on-one.
COVID has also meant that tensions have been high for everyone. With the health fears, the challenges of providing schooling from home, and the financial losses that many have endured during the pandemic has meant that there have often been far more eruptions experienced, and far fewer honeymoon periods.
Understand that, if you suspect a loved one may be experiencing abuse, they may not be ready to leave. It may be important for us to let our loved one know how they can rely on us when and if the time comes. Can you be available by phone in an emergency? If there ever were a time that your loved one needed a place to stay for the day, that they know they could reach out to you for help. Planting these seeds may help the abused person begin to map out an exit strategy.
Q:
What are some things that a social worker, counsellor or therapist can do to help?
The words that we use with our clients are critically important. We should think critically about words like “argument” that may obscure the abuse inherent during an eruption, or reinforce the gaslighting narrative that nothing is wrong.
When people are sharing their experiences, we can deeply and empathically listen. It takes a lot of courage to reach out, and share. Simply sitting with someone with care can help mitigate many of the experiences of violence: isolation, feeling as though nothing is wrong, or feeling as though something is wrong with them.
We can ask our clients what they might need, and share how we can support them. Often people may need psycho-education about forms of abuse. We can educate ourselves to help recognize and name violence of all forms. We can offer community resources for people in abusive relationships including legal support, and appropriate mental health referrals.
Q:
What professional advice would you like to offer?
If you believe you are experiencing abuse, know that you are not at fault. Nothing about you can justify violence and harm.
It’s also important to know that change is possible. And that there are so many forms of support, including accessing psychotherapy. If you have questions, or concerns about your relationship it is always helpful to reach out to get support.
If you are in immediate DANGER or fear for your safety, please CALL 911.
Kara has been doing work with feminist organizations for many years around sexual violence including working with the Toronto Rape Crisis Centre as a volunteer. As a Registered Social Worker, Kara’s central focus of her work is supporting clients impacted by trauma. If you are considering therapy as an option, Kara is accepting new clients.